


words (how little they mean, when you're a little too late)

by zaps (wonderwalls)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, No Smut, Sad sad sad, a sickening amount of angst, cute lilo stuff aww, i need to get my life under control??, idk why i just did this?, just so much angst, liam is sad, like i am embarrassed about the amount of angst in this, side larry i guess, zayn and perrie's wedding day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-04
Updated: 2014-02-04
Packaged: 2018-01-11 03:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167854
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonderwalls/pseuds/zaps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"D'you think- d'you think we have other lifetimes? After this, do you think we'll get other chances?" he'd said. Liam was always the sensible one but a part of him had longed for it, ached for the reassurance that this wasn't the end. "Maybe," he'd said because he couldn't stand for another thing to come between them, not days or years or lifetimes.</p><p>(Zayn gets married, and Liam gets lost.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	words (how little they mean, when you're a little too late)

**Author's Note:**

> So. I apologize in advance for the errors that are probably in this. I'm kind of a rookie to the fic-writing world (aka I Have No Friends), so it's un-beta'd :( First Ziam fic, wow. Kinda terrifying, okay. Also, one of Louis' lines is a direct quote from Love Actually, the part when Emma Thompson is eating cereal with Liam Neeson after his wife died, so credit to that I guess. Please please let me know if you enjoyed, or give any feedback, it is so so so so massively appreciated, I hope you don't hate it!!! 
> 
> Title from 'Sad Beautiful Tragic' by Taylor Swift

Liam wakes up to smoke in his lungs, and it's so familiar it aches.

"Morning, Z," he murmurs as he opens his eyes. Zayn is smoking in bed, and Liam used to reprimand him for it, but right now he wants everything Zayn is, as much as he can hold in his arms and his heart, including the cigarettes.

"Hi," Zayn smiles soft, sad. They both know what today is.

"What time do you have to go?" Liam asks.

"Ceremony's at four, but I have to be there at three I think," Zayn says. His voice is worn, and there are traces of pale purple smudged under his eyes. Liam remembers the night before, clutching onto each other so tight it hurt, pressing kisses into every inch of skin they could find, Zayn burying his face in Liam's chest at one point and inhaling deep and ragged. It was restless sleep and waking up every half an hour just to make sure they were both still there.

"Okay," Liam looks at the clock, 8:52, and sits up. "We've got time."

"Not much."

"We've got enough," Liam says quietly, brushing over Zayn's cheekbone and jaw with his thumb.

Zayn looks away, closes his eyes. Liam can see the way his fingers shake around the cigarette.

"Hey," Liam whispers, running his fingers through Zayn's unstyled hair. "Hey, it's gonna be okay." Zayn opens his eyes, hopeless. Maybe they've always been a bit hopeless, but Liam's never felt it until now. They thought they were invincible. "We're gonna be okay."

-

Liam hates the way the other boys look at him when he gets there. He's never liked pity.

"Big day," Niall smiles hollowly. Niall's never been hollow; he's always been full to the brim and Liam also hates the way he's drained himself for their sake.

"Yeah," Liam agrees.

They get dressed in silence, which is so strange that Liam feels like he's in a dream. He gets the feeling that no one knows what to say to somebody who is waiting to lose everything they have, waiting to stand up there next to the boy he's been mad about for almost five years now and listen to him say I Do to another girl.

Zayn shows up a few minutes later, already half dressed, a cigarette tucked behind his ear.

"Hey, there he is!" Louis claps him on the shoulder.

"Hey Lou," Zayn says.

"You ready?" Louis says.

"Not even a little bit," Zayn's lips quirk into a kind of ironic smile.

Liam's insides twist when he makes eye contact, because Zayn's always been so, so beautiful, disheveled dark hair and undone bow tie and long eyelashes casting shadows over his cheekbones, and all Liam wants is to hold him close to his chest and keep him there forever. Liam wonders when it'll get easier, when his breath will stop whooshing out of his chest every time Zayn walks into the room. It's been four damn years.

"Louis, Niall, wanna come check out the place?" Harry nods to the door that leads out to the rest of the church. Harry locks eyes with Liam as they go, a small smile, and Liam knows that Harry gets it, knows he's just giving them space, but suddenly he's absolutely terrified of being alone with Zayn, of falling apart.

Zayn clears his throat. "Look, Liam, you... You've always been so much better than me at things like this. I- fuck, I'm not really sure what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," Liam shakes his head. "You love her."

"I... Yeah. Yeah, Li, I do, but it's always been different with you. You know that. You know that if things were different, if we could- if I could just- Christ, I-"

"Don't," Liam says, feeling his resolve crumble deep inside. _Don't say you love me, I don't think I can bear it._

Zayn looks at him for a long moment. He opens his mouth to speak but a knock on the door interrupts him. "Places in ten," someone calls from the other side.

Zayn seems to snap into action. "Shit," he grabs the hair gel from the table and stands in front of the mirror, pushing it through his hair. Liam's watched him do it a million times. It's something so simple and so familiar that Liam has to look away to keep his heart from breaking. Zayn grabs his jacket from where it's hanging on the back of a chair, slides it on, tucks his shirt into his pants. Liam watches as he fumbles with the buttons and the bow tie, sees the way his fingers are trembling so hard they can't grasp the fabric.

"Hey," Liam steps forward and takes Zayn's hands, holding them still. "Let me." Zayn looks at him with wide eyes, so lovely that it hurts, and Liam fastens the buttons slowly, knots the bow tie like he did for Zayn so many times before award shows and red carpet events when Zayn couldn't be bothered to do it himself.

"Thank you," Zayn says.

"What are best men for," Liam says, attempting a smile.

When he's done he smooths over Zayn's chest with his palms flat, feels his heart beat for an instant through the fabric. Liam reaches out and cups Zayn's jaw with his hand. "I just want you to be happy, okay?"

Zayn lets out a sob suddenly. "I'm just so scared, Li." And then he's pressing himself against Liam's chest, his face in his neck, and Liam is holding him so tight he can't breathe. Liam grips onto him with everything he has, three minutes left until Zayn walks down the aisle, and he's crying into Liam in the dressing room.

"Shh, it's alright, it's alright Zayn," Liam murmurs into the other boy's hair. "Hey," he pulls away and takes Zayn's face in his hands, thumbing away tears. "You're gonna be okay. You and Perrie, you're gonna have such a good life. I'm so happy for you, love. You're gonna have kids and a big backyard, I bet, and you will be happy, I promise you. You and I, we can't have that. I can't ever give that to you. You know I would if I could."

"I love you so much, Liam," Zayn whispers, and Liam _told_ him, told him not to say that, but it's too late now, because Liam's just felt his heart crack in his chest.

"Fucking hell, Z," Liam mutters, and then he kisses him hard, urgent. Liam presses him up against the wall and tries to memorize the way their bodies fit, the way they've always fit, and Zayn's hands have always found such a lovely spot at the back of his neck. He can taste salt on Zayn's lips, and he licks it away, tries to absorb the taste of cigarettes and the smell of cologne and the way Zayn's always been so soft for him.

"Places!" someone calls, and Liam adjusts the bow tie one last time, gives Zayn a soft kiss now, holds onto the sides of his face while he presses another one to his forehead.

"I love you too, you idiot," Liam breathes, so soft he's not sure if Zayn hears it. He half-hopes he doesn't.

-

Liam smiles as he follows Louis and Jesy down the aisle, and it feels all wrong, seeing Zayn standing up there in his tuxedo, lips still pink from when Liam's were pressed against them, and Liam doesn't remember how to breathe for a moment before he steps up to stand behind Zayn in line with the rest of the band. They're all groomsmen. Liam feels Niall's shoulder brush his, a tiny smudge of comfort from the younger boy. Liam is grateful anyway.

Perrie is gorgeous, stunning in all white with her back-to-blonde hair, and Liam doesn't look as they say their vows, not trusting himself to not run up and drag Zayn away, take him back and kiss him hard. When the reverend says "speak now or forever hold your peace," Liam feels Louis's knee knock against his, a reminder to stay calm. As if Liam isn't enough of a coward already, as if he hadn't already let him go the day he signed that goddamn contract.

As Zayn says, "I do," Liam remembers Zayn tucked up into his chest the day they announced the engagement. "D'you think- d'you think we have other lifetimes? After this, do you think we'll get other chances?" he'd said. Liam was always the sensible one but a part of him had longed for it, ached for the reassurance that this wasn't the end. "Maybe," he'd said because he couldn't stand for another thing to come between them, not days or years or lifetimes.

Liam claps when they kiss and smiles as they walk away, man and wife. He doesn't trust himself to talk, and the other boys don't seem to either as they pile into the car to go to the reception.

-

"Another glass of the red, please," Liam says to the waiter.

"Might wanna slow down a bit there, mate," Harry pats his arm from the seat beside him. "We've not even gotten to dessert yet."

Liam doesn't answer, choosing to stare down at the empty wine glass in front of him. There's not nearly enough alcohol in him yet.

The first dance is sweet and romantic and the song is Unforgettable by Nat King Cole and Liam's forgotten that Perrie is actually quite classy at heart, past rainbow hair and piercings and purple lipstick. Liam watches the way she smiles up at Zayn and is glad she at least appreciates what she has now, what Liam doesn't.

Niall drags him out onto the dance floor as the song shifts to party music, something loud Liam remembers from the radio but not well enough to know the title. Zayn grins as someone claps him on the back. He doesn't meet Liam's eyes; they're both too careful, and Liam suddenly feels like his chest is too tight.

Not enough, his mind echoes, never enough with him, always needed to be closer, and his heart pounds as he pushes his way off the dance floor. He wasn't enough for Zayn, and there's nothing to change that now. Liam doesn't get his goddamn first dance or his morning smoking habits and she does, _she_ has him. Liam doesn't know he's outside until the freezing air hits his cheeks. He slumps onto the sidewalk with his back to the wall, dizzily drunk and _so_ sad. It's so hopeless; they've always been hopeless, and Liam let himself do this anyway, let himself stay in bed and breathe in cigarette smoke. And now that's all there in his lungs and his heart and his blood, just Zayn, pumped all through him and replacing oxygen, and maybe that's why Liam can't seem to breathe.

It's funny because Zayn let it slip that they kissed and people forget so easily, they only see what they want to see, and Liam wonders what would happen if he screamed it off the rooftops, if he burst through the doors and tore Zayn away and kissed him hard in front of all those people. Wonders if it would even matter. They only believe what's easiest, and the thing is, Liam and Zayn have never been easy.

There are hands on his shoulder and in his hair, "Oh, Li."

Liam didn't know he was crying until just then.

"I've lost him," Liam sobs. Louis sits down beside him and pulls him in and runs a hand over his suit sleeve. Liam is suddenly hysterical, panicking and gripping so tight onto Louis that he can't feel his fingers. "I've lost him, I've lost him."

Liam didn't cry when they were voted off the X Factor, or when he had to date Danielle, or when Sophia held his hand at the movie premiere, and he was mostly just strong for Zayn. Maybe not strong, maybe just quiet. Maybe just good at keeping his mouth shut and passable at lying to interviewers when they asked about girlfriends.

Liam wishes suddenly he could hate Zayn, hate him for what he's done to Liam, how he's gone in and worked himself into Liam's chest and found the breathing, beating parts of him Liam didn't know existed. It would be a hell of a lot easier than continuing to breathe and beat just for Zayn's sake.

"Niall owes me ten bucks, he said there was no way you'd have more than three drinks. I knew that kidney wouldn't stop you," Louis says, like it's something to be proud of. "Hey, stop that," Louis wipes at Liam's face. "Nobody's ever gonna want to shag you if you cry all the time."

Liam lets out a wet laugh and says, "So let's prove Niall wrong, yeah?"

-

Liam remembers back in 2011, when it wasn't like this. Both of them were smooth and young with wide-eyed appreciation of the lights that come along with fame. Zayn had fallen asleep in Liam's lap in the car, half his body all the way across him, and Liam tucked him in closer and he only woke up when Niall shook him awake with an eye roll at the venue.

"Christ, almost as bad as Lou and Harry, you two," Niall had muttered.

Liam didn't understand. He looked down at the softly stirring boy in his lap and felt his stomach flipping over suddenly.

-

People crowd around as Zayn and Perrie exit the reception. Liam doesn't push; he lost the strength sometime between drink five and six. Something is heavy inside him as he sees Zayn beaming for cameras with Perrie draped across him. Then Zayn turns and his eyes are searching before they land on Liam. He says, _please,_ but just with his eyes, and Liam- Liam loves him. Liam can't say goodbye but Zayn's pushing closer to him. It would be easier to look away and only open his eyes when Zayn was long gone; but then, when have Liam and Zayn practiced self preservation. Zayn brushes his thumb over the back of Liam's hand; they've always been discreet, always been careful, "I'm so sorry," Liam whispers. _I'm so sorry I couldn't save us._

"Meri jaan," Zayn murmurs, his hands going up to smooth out Liam's tie. His fingers brush against the hollow right under Liam's throat, right between the folds of his collar, for half a second. Zayn is dragged away then, his wide eyes still on Liam for another moment before he's slid into the car that's going to take him to his honeymoon.

Liam feels Louis' fingers reassuring at his hip, and Liam doesn't cry anymore after that. He doesn't remember how.

-

There's a pack of cigarettes tucked under the pillow when he gets home. Maybe it's the alcohol or maybe it's the sadness, because Liam's always frowned upon smoking and refused to put that kind of shit in his lungs, but he lights a cigarette and takes a drag, trying to suck in the feeling of _Zayn,_ addictive like nicotine, and more dangerous, and-

And.

There's a crumpled note left in Liam's coat pocket. It says,

_Zayn-_

_Let's run away. We can leave it all behind, just you and me. We don't have to pretend for the cameras if they can't find us. I just want to have you, that's all I ever wanted, and if you marry her, I hope you know you're breaking my heart. I don't know if I'll have the courage to give this to you. I've always been afraid, and maybe that's why I was stupid enough to let them take you from me. We have a good thing, you know. The best thing. You're my best thing, and I don't think I'll remember how to live without you, not in this lifetime or the next one or the one after that. I love you so much, Zayn. You're my world._

_Liam_

Liam holds it to the end of the cigarette and watches the paper catch fire. The whole thing is fragile like the rest of it, burned up far too quickly. Liam burns right along with it.

_Next time, Z. Next time we'll get it right._

 

**Author's Note:**

> [ _Meri jaan_](http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jaan): my life, my love


End file.
